Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
