Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
