i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
