John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
