I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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