I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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