I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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