Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
