Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
