There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Im part way to drunk.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
