This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
