Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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