Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
