i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
