and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize