I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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