How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
