Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
