He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
