So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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