just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
