he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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