I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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