So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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