in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
