I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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