They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the day after is always just damage control
two words...techno handjob
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
