So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize