Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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