Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
