I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
