fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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