i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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