I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
