JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
