im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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