You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I've blown a few things in my day
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
