Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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