I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
