i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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