Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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