i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
