Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
