Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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