Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
