Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
