i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
being pregnant is like rehab
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
