Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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