just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
