My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
