have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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