I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize