New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
