The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
