I can text with my tongue
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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