They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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