I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
